I Am That I Am

I’ve spent a good portion of my earthly hours trying to understand normality. What is it? This may sound like the blathering of an adolescent teenager but, as I know from the world of computer algorithms, normality is an oft changing thing. Very few things in this world appear to stay the same. The only constant is that constant constantly changes. This of course flies in the face of my mathematical mind since, mathematically speaking, random does not exist.

The average person detects patterns around three occurrences. The mathematical reality however, is that patterns become established with the very first occurrence. Like most of us, I’ve chased that pattern-matching in life until it’s driven me insane. How long before I master the answers and experiences of life until I reach a point where I can benefit myself by knowing it all?!

I guess patterns in and around 2 occurrences. That ever elusive first concurrence escapes me. How will I hold it, being above average, and yet not finding that key which opens my eyes & I see perfectly? I am reminded of the words of Solomon: “vanity and vexation of spirit.”Self Crucifixion

In everything, I need one answer. I must have one solution and one response so that I can propel myself forward into the arms of wisdom, making the perfect choices in a world of sublime chaos. And yet for all of this passion, I remain a blank slate giving only silence to the routines of ‘normality’ around me. The equation of everything escapes me.

Mathematics is simple to me by one virtuous fact: Math doesn’t change. One always equals one. I could digress into the Trinity here but, perhaps later. Suffice it to say that math, in the weakness of all its proponents, is a glorious light. And how little we know of her full equations…

Is the answer money or power? Money only gives you more pleasant choices (Ecc 10:19). That’s great but the ability to buy those choices doesn’t grant you a better knowledge or wisdom for the choice you’re making. Perhaps that why God doesn’t just throw money at us all; he loves us enough to protect us from our own stupidity. Even if we could buy a better knowledge of choice, it wouldn’t matter. We can’t buy time – we continually race against it; our ability and quest to find that pattern of one takes us to the grave.

Of course adulthood has taught me a general error : Money is not the root of all evil. The love of money is the root of all evil. It’s a fine line but there is, none the less, a line. Let’s just say it took a lot of money [and spending it] for me to figure out where that line was. How could you not love money?

As I grew up and grew into a bigger paycheck, I understood that to have money is to have power. I could buy those choices. Even more so, I learned power belongs to God and he gives it to whomever he wishes. That’s not to equate money with righteousness, it’s merely to equate that God [understood or not], has all power and delegates it as he sees fit. Additionally, I have seen the burdens of the rich and I wouldn’t covet them for all of the gold in the world. Money answers all things but physical answers will never solve spiritual problems: truth is earned only one way.

The power to submit to God is power.

Money gives us power in this life but gold and silver are corruptible. I need the incorruptible. I need perfection. I need constant. I need to be what I can not be: I need to be god (Ps 82:6). Yet for all of the pride in which I would exalt myself, there is a red-stained cross of wood. A perfect solution for the perfect problem. Greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world. For this I need only one thing – I need to die everyday.

Herein lies a pleasant awkwardness.

I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin. (Rom 7:21-25)

The harmony of this dichotomy is mind boggling and from it I have learned and continually remember one simple truth:

I am that I am and I am not God.

Somehow that singular fact of knowledge brings an understanding to normality: a solid comparison by which everything can be measured, a standard to judge that which is ‘common’. It doesn’t give me all the answers I crave but it does relieve the anxiety created by trying to figure it all out. For that one simple truth, I am ever grateful and ever humbled.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *